New Beginning

Justin held his breath.

He got the okay.

"Okay." he breathed, letting it out before standing and tugging on the hem of his shirt. Closed his eyes and erased all thoughts besides who he needed to be, who was necessary. Survival instincts, he'd be dissected if this didn't work (basically the same, sometimes, when James was disappointed in him, Justin felt like he was back in the Institute, all one and the same) and success was the main priority.

He opened his eyes and his face slid into an easygoing smirk, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Shoulders back, slouch, hands in pockets, and a tilt of the chin completed the look. He cut his eyes to James below him, suddenly feeling taller, and gave a jerk of his head to hopefully convey that he could do this. He'd been born to do this, they'd always said that, he could do.

And then he sauntered over the the table Alexis had retreated to, practically oozing an air of self confidence and pride.

He gave another jerk of his head to acknowledge Alexis, when her head turned to him (bitchbitchbitchgodieburnburnbitcburninhell) and smiled easily at her, before moving alongside the girl and placing a hand on the table before leaning over just slightly, being sure to add a curve to his whole torso that he'd been told was absolutely irresistible. He ducked his head, to give Alexis the idea that this was a seemingly private conversation, and spoke.

"Hey, Alexis, I was wondering... Could I maybe talk to you somewhere? You know," he cut his eyes to her friends. "In private?"

The change in Justin had been instantaneous, he had transformed into a completely different person, James could barely recognize him, couldn't...believe that this...se-holy hell no. This wasn't Justin and he needed to look away this wasn't him and he shouldn't be feeling anything for someone who wasn't him and holy hell was he...sauntering? Strutting like a model or...James flushed, looked away.

God damnit pull yourself together he's going to-to- have sex with her because I'm such a loser that I can't do this myself and I cannot be looking at him like that that is not Justin god damn it all!

He turned around in his seat, feeling sick, angry, bitter, and god damn turned on and it was so wrong he wanted to beat his head into a wall being pissed off would be so much better! He let out a growl and slumped in his seat, fuming. He was not going to turn around he was going to stay angry and that was that. God damn it all!

~~~

Her eyes widened comically at the sight before her, and she fell silent for a good five seconds.

"Y-yeah, sure. Terri, watch my stuff, will you?" Terri nodded, gaping at Justin like she hadn't heard a word Alexis had said.

The girl stood, clearly putting a good deal of effort into putting back on her mask of superiority and overall sluttiness.

"We could go by the drinking fountain behind the cafeteria, nobody goes over there," she suggested, smiling suggestively. The mask was back on, with extra strong super glue holding it in place.

The grin on his face widened to an all-out smile and he stood aside with a sweeping gesture of his arm.

"Lead the way."

And she took off, looking obviously flustered, though it was hidden, only showing through a light blush and a glassy look in her eyes. Not-Justin smirked at her reaction, glad that he could still evoke this sort of reaction from people.

They were behind the fountain (behind the cafeteria- he willed that thought to James, so he wouldn't be worried, but figured it probably wouldn't work) and Justin wasted no time in getting an arm around her waist and pulling her close, nuzzling his nose in her neck, behind her ear.

"Thank you, for meeting me." he murmured quietly, making the smile on his face audible in his voice. "Crowds really get to me, ya know? So many people..."

He could feel the way she melted into his arms at his words and was somewhat taken aback by how damn easy she was, the little slut. He pulled back and sent another award-winning smile in her direction, before taking a breath, and giving his proposition, with a little icing to sweeten the effect.

"You were right... there were some "girl troubles" back in my old place," he lied easily though his teeth. "She..." he pretended to tear up. "She cheated on me... And I didn't know what to do, so I ran... And, you know how it is, it's so hard to move on, but you remind me so much of her, only more loyal and good and..." he smiled again. "I'd love to get to know you... And I have this thing, this tradition, where when I meet someone knew, I trade something with them, so..."

He held up the worry stone Mrs. Larson had given him to help cope (hadn't worked) with a suggestive smile on his face.

"Wanna trade?"

She nodded eagerly, practically tearing this bracelet off her wrist to swap with him.

He smiled, but smirked devilishly on the inside. So damn easy.

"And remember, always keep it with you... Even if we end up hating each other... Promise?"

She nodded.

Justin pretended to breath a sigh of relief, then leaned down to give her a peck on the lips. Just the lightest of things, a feather touch, but enough.

"Thank you."

James glanced back in the direction of Alexis's table, only to find to his horror that she and Justin were gone. His mind blanked. And then all at once his head was reeling.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god holy shit holy shit holy shit this is bad where'd they go what's she going to do to him holy hell I should have never let this happen oh my goood I can't oh my god!

He couldn't think straight, through his panic. Justin wouldn't be able to pull this off, he'd freak and he wouldn't be able to find James and he'd be lost and somehow they'd find him again and tear him apart all over again and this was all his fault because he was such a pussy and Justin would die or would wish he were dead and James would be left with nothing and he'd want to be dead and he'd-he'd be alone, he'd never find another person like Justin Justin was the only one he could ever lo-...ever...ever...love.

I love him. He blinked, a weight that he hadn't known he'd been carrying all thesde months, a weight so heavy words couldn't even explain it lifted from his chest, and then three more fell on him. I love him.

Justin...Justin with his eyes always looking at him, looking for approval, for hope, for something to cling to, all the while still fearful that he'd disappoint him. Justin with those eyes, those beautiful beautiful eyes that had seen such suffering and pain but kept it all locked away so he wouldn't be burdened with the knowing.

Justin with the soft brown hair, reddish highlights shining in the light, so unaware of his own beauty, always kicking himself down because he didn't know what else to do. Justin with the small wavering smile whenever he saw James, smiling at him and only at him, because he was the only Real that he could talk to. The warmth he always felt whenever they accidentaly touched, the flame whenever he held him by the hand or on the shoulder and held him steady even when it felt like it wouldn't be okay.

God, he loved him and it had taken him so long to come to terms with it! To understand why he wanted to punch that bitch's face in for looking at h-his Justin like that, to understand the black misery that swallowed him whenever Justin looked away with blank eyes, whenever he didn't believe James telling him that he mattered no matter what those damn doctors had ever said to him!

Of course it had to be now, when that fucking bitch was going to come along and ruin everything they had, destroy it before it could grow into...into something more if Justin returned those feelings.

His breath hitched in his throat, his head was on the tabe now, his face enclsoed by the walls of his arms, and tears were leaking from his eyes and he couldn't stop them any more than the sharp yank of despair at his soul. he felt like he was falling into a pit of blackness and the only way out was those eyes, that tentative smile, that heat he felt whenever Justin touched him, whenever their skin made contact.

How could he do that to him, how was it that Justin could entrap him so, make him feel things that no other human being had ever made him feel?


Don't let her hurt you Justin. Please. D-don't. I love you too much, if you got hurt I-I wouldn't be able to live with that knowledge. Please. He thought it like a prayer up to the heavens, only it was for Justin's ears only, not whoever might be up there. They'd never do anything for him, never had.

(THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE I HOPE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY NOW TO WRITE THE BITCH)
~~~
As she led him behind the school, Alexis fought to keep her composure, making sure she swung her hips a bit as she walked and keeping Justin in her preipherals. She was still shocked by the transformation, wondering if it hadn't just been some illusion after all, but then he had his arms around her and he was whispering right in her ear and God it felt right.

Then he was explaining everything, and her heart just about melted right then and there at the sight of him tearing up over his old sweetheart. That bitch, she deserved to die, and burn in hell for a good few centuries too.

And then he was asking her to trade, and it was about the sweetest thing anyone had ever asked her. Sure, she'd gotten bouqets of flowers and some good sex, even a promise ring that hadn't worked out in the end. Justin was sincere and sweet and honest and damn sexy and she was nodding and pulling off the stupid bracelet her grandma had gotten her for winning that ballet competition before she even knew what she was doing.

damn it Alexis head in the game! You are [/i[not[i]letting some guy, no matter how sexy and cute he is, walk all over you like this! Youare in total control. He's swooning over you. You don't get attached. You just enjoy the ride and see what comes of it. She was too flustered to even catch the innuendo in her thoughts.

But then he was asking her to keep it always and damn it he was irresitable and again she was nodding like a giddy schoolgirl!

Alexis couldn't help but let a little gasp escape her lips as a soft, chaste kiss sealed the deal. Shit this guy is good! No way in hell am I letting him get away from me, I haven't actually felt...flustered since...freshman year! He's gooood.

"N-no. Thank [i]you/i]. I'm always happy to help." She looked down, lowering her eyelids, and then back up at him before turning on her heel and heading back in the direction they had come. Cool as a cucumber.

Inside she was screaming like a giddy schoolgirl.

Justin grinned as she fought to keep her composure and as she tried to walk away with some sense of dignity and self control left. Which didn't work, by the way. He could see it in the way her hands were shaking and her posture was just ever so wobbly. But what did it matter to him?


The facade still firmly kept in place, Justin meandered back to the table he shared with James, making sure that he kept an eye on Alexis. He could see her at the table, giggling and swooning with the other girls, all red and high pitched. Hilarious.

He also made a point to ignore the additional eyes on him, including the biology teacher. Poor man was practically drooling.

He moved fluidly and sat in his seat beside James, taking care to touch their sides, because suddenly it was almost like he was stuck as this whore and he couldn't really bring himself to turn it off because he wasn't scared right now and that was... really nice.

"Got it." He sang in James' ear, leaning in close to wave the bracelet in James' line of sight. "Didn't take anything besides some close contact and a kiss."

Confidant Justin was brave. He wasn't scared of the things he remembered. He wanted him to stay.

The blond slowly looked up from the table, blinking and trying so hard to hide the fact that he had been seconds away from sobbing his lungs out. Hopefully his glasses would hide that for a minute or so until he could subtly dry his eyes and make it look like nothing had happened.

And then he saw Justin slide down next to him.

James stared, frozen, revelation completely forgotten. He was now incredibly grateful that this was the first time he had seen Justin...becoming this different person. Because it meant that he had fallen in love with Justin, that it hadn't just been...lust. (COCO COCO COCO OH MY GOD LUSTIN. YES. THAT IS NOT-JUSTIN'S NAME NOW-shotdown-) Because god damn it he didn't think he could control himself around this new person with Justin's face and his eyes and his mouth. God no, don't think about his mouth like that. He had to stop this before he lost control.

He shuddered as this Justin look-alike brushed their sides together, closing his eyes and looking away. His mind was screaming at him to stop being so obvious, because his Justin would read this reaction as disgust and it might break him, but holy shit if he looked again he'd lose it.

The thin chain of a gold bracelet swung before his eyes as he blinked, and Justin was so close, mouth almost brushing his ear. James barely even heard what the brunet said, he was far too busy crossing his legs and fiddling with a loose thread on the end of his shirt because he could not turn his head and look the brunet in the eye. He didn't know how to act around this Justin. Tell him bluntly to stop because people were staring and it would be bad if they jumped each other right here, in the middle of the cafeteria? Tell him that he didn't need him to put up an act now that they had what they needed from Rowan? Play along? He couldn't do this. Just seconds ago he had been crying with his head slumped into the table because he loved Justin so much! What was he supposed to do?

He needed to decide quickly, because he wouldn't be able to resist for much longer. And resist what? The thought scared him witless.

Confidant-Justin faltered at how James wouldn't meet his eyes and suddenly this Justin wasn't very appealing. If James couldn't talk to him like this, then he wouldn't be like this anymore.

The facade fell just as easily and he was the broken, pathetic mess he used to be.

"I'm sorry..." he trembled, reaching out to clutch at James' arm in a pleading gesture to get the other man to look at him. Nothing was worth that, not all the confidence in the world or the feeling of total immortality.

"I-I'm really sorry, I won't do it again..."

James had told him that Alexis felt something for him, but maybe he still felt something for Alexis and he was mad about the kiss? Holy shit, why had he flaunted the fact like it was nothing, it could be everything to James!

Why had he done that? James hadn't liked the idea when he had first suggested it, he should have left it where it was, never complained, it was absolutely stupid of him. Shoulda known better, really shouldn't have done anything like that.

"I'm so sorry..." he begged again, eyes wide as he pulled at James, to try and get the blond to look at him again, even if he was angry and spat in his face, Justin just needed him to look at him again.

James blinked and turned back to the brunet, hearing Justin suddenly apologizing to him like he had done something wrong. Damn it he knew he shouldn't have been so obvious, Justin was reading it negatively. And he was pulling at his arm, somehow still managing to spread flames along the surface of his skin.

"N-no, Justin it's fine. I just didn't want you to have to become someone else and...You..."

How the hell was he supposed to explain the effects that Justin's counterpart had on him without sounding like some pervert? He still hadn't even told him how he felt, Justin still didn't get it! He couldn't sort through his emotions right now, he knew he was probably still angry that Justin might have gotten hurt, was somehow hiding it, and he was still almost trembling just from the weight of the words that he somehow had to tell Justin. Because he knew that if he didn't state it bluntly, Justin would never know. And then another part of him was terrified that if he told Justin how he felt...the brunet would close up to him forever, or still not understand, or be afraid of him, and he'd never want tp inflict that kind of pain on the other, even if it meant he'd have to lock away this feeling forever.

"Justin I-"

And then the lunch bell rang, causing the blond to jump and bang his knees into the bottom of the gum covered lunch table. He groaned, let his face fall into his hands one final time, then stood and grabbed his backpack. He was so tired, so exhausted, and the day wasn't halfway over.

Justin's face fell. He knew it, he shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have gone against what James what, it was so utterly stupid and mindless of him and he should have known better. He really should have known better, he had been stepping on thin ice as it was, he shouldn't have done that. Never again, he couldn't, he'd have to make sure to never do anything James didn't seem to like, even the slightest hint would instantly be no. Never, ever again.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled again as they left the cafeteria.

---

He stood outside the school grounds, waiting for James to catch up. After the whole... incident at lunch, people had talked. As in, practically nonstop. Whispering during classes, people just staring at him like he had grown a second head (the doctors had tried that on a patient before- Laura. She didn't make it) and it had really begun to get to him, more so than usual, and people would come up and try to talk to him, would brush against him and smile or wink but he didn't understand any of it. James usually took care of it, with a sharp word or a pointed glare, but there seemed to be only so much he could do.

Oh, and biology sucked.

Alexis hadn't made it any better. She would look at him and wink, just like other people, but she would also come up to him and leave little notes on his desk. James wouldn't let him read them, which was slightly disappointing because he kinda wanted to know what she was saying because that sort of information could turn out useful in the end, but James wouldn't let him and that was that.

But even as the students began to file out, he still felt eyes on him, and he was completely blindsides by how intrusive teenagers could be when it came to gossip or just a simple thing like exploitation of another person for ones own gain... Had Alexis told anyone? About what he had done? From what he had studied, most girls would be basically set on the whole kiss thing, and that would be about it, but there was always a wildcard, he was always taught to look for the wildcard, what to do with the wildcard...

Well, actually, he was always taught to take out the wildcard, that something that didn't fit the pattern wasn't generally accepted and encouraged, but Justin figured that a classmate he had just talked to appearing suddenly dead would really suggest something... yeah.

James muttered under his breath as he fast walked out of that damn school and tried to make his way to Justin as fast as he could.

Of course the teacher would blame him for exploding at that bitch, whatever her fat face was, of course the teacher would give him a week of after school detentions, and of course the girl would not only get off scott free, she'd be petted and comforted by all her slutty shitfaced friends because apparently a guy couldn't call out a girl for practically sexually assaulting another student in the middle of god damned English class! The slut was lucky he hadn't punched her into the wall! Ashley, that was her name. One of the army of girls that had tried to get a flirt out of Justin.

She had really been the last straw, it was amazing that he had held out until the last ten minutes of his last class to finally tell a girl to back down damn it all. So he had yelled pretty loud, and called her some colorful names. It wasn't like he had touched her! The teacher had yanked him out of the classroom before it could get that far, hissed at him to get a grip and that he would be staying a few minutes after class to talk. Ha, some talk.

A god damn week of detentions! The bitch.

He growled and stuffed his fisted hands in his pockets, yelling at himself to get back under control before Justin saw him like this, because Justin always thought he was the reason James got angry.

Thankfully it was another two minutes before he finally caught up to where Justin was waiting for him, a little ways away from the school gates.

He let out a relieved sigh, thankful that Justin was alone and that nobody had apparently stalked the poor guy out of school. Still, couldn't be too careful.

"It's fine. I got a week of after school detentions but at least she's not going to put it on my school records," James said as they began walking.

Justin sucked in a breath, the weight of the sentence hitting him. James probably hadn't thought of this yet...

"W-what am I going to do?" He probably couldn't walk home alone. "I, do I stay after? With you?" That idea didn't seem so bad... "I could do that." he offered weakly.

James winced, cursing himself for getting into this situation. No way could he let Justin go home alone. He was way too paranoid about Justin being found and taken away. His parents couldn't pick Justin up after school either, though they'd probably hire someone for the week if it came to that. Still though. It was way too dangerous to trust some random stranger with Justin. Shit...Looked like Justin would have to stay with him then...

"I...guess that's what we'll have to do," James sighed, the last few traces of his anger finally fading away.

"Damn it I'm such a hothead, I'm sorry...I should have followed her out after class after the bell rang and dealt with her then so I at least wouldn't have gotten in trouble. I'm sorry you're stuck with an idiot like me." He gave a weak chuckle, shaking his head as they walked down the sidewalk. James sidestepped a piece of gum and took his hands out of his pockets, letting them just swing at his sides.

He stopped short.

"... What?!" he demanded sharply, narrowing his eyes, appalled.

"You're not an idiot!" How dare he even think that? "You're perfect, don't you get that? You're so nice and-and you always take care of me and I know I piss you off sometimes but I don't mean to cause I don't understand anything out here, even after all this time, but even though you get mad, you don't give up and that's amazing!

"I don't know how you can even think that you're an idiot! You're not, you're really smart, you know everything I don't! You're like this resource that I never had in the hospital, you correct me when I'm wrong cause I hate being wrong and you understand that! And the doctors, they were smart and they would correct me, so you guys are kinda one and the same, only not as horrible as I'm making it sound!"

Cause it did sound really bad, comparing him to the doctors...

And where was this even coming from? Since when did he have the guts to go against something James said, let alone raise his voice, and in public!

He immediately quieted down with that thought and hung his head, ashamed.

"... I'm sorry."

James stopped in his tracks, staring at Justin, unable to hide his astonishment.

"You...you really think of me that way? You think I'm....perfect? Justin...I'm the farthest thing from perfect. I still don't know what to say to you half the time cause I'm so damn scared that I'll say something wrong and you'll close up all over again! I'm scared I'll say something that makes you feel like you're doing something wrong and Justin I couldn't stop myself from loving you if I-"

He blinked hard, feeling light headed all of a sudden.

So here they were, and he had started, and now there was no going back.

"I couldn't stop loving you if..." He shook his head, unable to even come up with a drastic enough situation.

"Justin, I couldn't stop loving you even if it killed me, even if you hated me and hated me for loving you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for telling you this and probably ruining everything we have, I should have just kept this buried away inside but I just can't anymore. I'm sorry that I'm so weak, that I can't protect you from how I feel, but I swear I would never hurt you and..." His throat was so dry and he was going to start choking up right there if he kept going.

"Just say something," he said in a quiet voice, not daring to look Justin in the eye, terrified that he had just destroyed everything that they were.

"Wh-wha..."

Justin's brown furrowed. Love? Wow, there were so many ways to love someone. Family, friends, partners, jokers, he'd studied them all. And there was really only one term for all of those and he couldn't possibly know which one James was talking about. And it wasn't like he could just come right out and ask it...

But when he thought about it, all the options of the type of "love" James could be referring to where fine with him, even made him somewhat... elated. He didn't know which one it was for sure, but any of them would be fine by him, and he'd accept it and practically dance around with it, singing and laughing.

In his head.

He didn't think he'd be very good at that in real life. Maybe in the Lucid realm? Yeah, he could try it there one day.

And what was it that they normally expected back? Justin wanted to return the sentiment, say "I love you too", but that seemed somewhat redundant and mediocre and unoriginal and that wasn't was nearly special enough for James. But there wasn't any other way to say it because saying "I love you", while overused and abused by society, from what he'd learned, was still a loaded word and probably the only way to fully convey what he felt with just words.

So, Justin smiled and pushed all those thoughts aside (and fought the sudden, foreign urge to wrap his arms around poor, scared looking James) and replied "I love you too."

James looked up, bit his lip, looked back down. He started walking again, making sure that Justin was next to him.

Justin was sincere, he had meant it but...James hadn't...expected a reaction like...that. As if it were the most natural and innocent thing in the world for James to love his adopted half brother who had lived in an instituion where he was raped and tortured for his entire childhood and up through most of his teens. Disgust, shock, revulsion maybe. Fear, that had been what he had really expected. Or awe, or...maybe...joy.

But...something just didn't seem right. It was like Justin didn't really...know what the world love meant. Did he? Maybe he was confused, thought James had meant it in an affectionate, brotherly,best-friendly way.

"Justin..." he spoke the brunet's name quietly, softly. "I'm not sure that you...understand what I'm trying to tell you. And I...don't know how I can tell you any better than I...I'm just...I can't." He sighed, looked up at Justin with a pathetic, frustrated, but loving smile.

"You're not doing anything wrong, I'm not mad," he said quickly, voice still lowered as they paced along the sidewalk. "I just have to make sure you understand what I'm feeling..."

He was going to feel like a moron, but he needed his parents' help. Or at least his mom's. There was no way that he'd be able to put into words what this connotation of love meant, and his mom would probably be thrilled to explain it to Justin. She'd think a girl had a crush on him or something.

Ha ha the irony.

Justin frowned.

He was almost... offended that James felt he didn't know what it meant. The fact that he would be punished for not knowing things by the doctors and that James was implying that his dedication to not being beaten wasn't true. That made him almost angry.

He knew the Oxford, Longman, Cambridge, Macmillan, Collins, Merriam-Webster, and the Heritage dictionary definitions of love. The very thought that James thought so little of his life and education that he would even suggest Justin didn't know what love was angered him to no end.

And he wasn't used to that feeling.

He stopped short. James turned around to look at him and Justin spoke.

"Love. An emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. Sexual passion or desire. A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart." With each definition that had been drilled into his mind, Justin's voice grew sharper and sharper, eyes narrowing with anger. How dare James suggest he didn't know.

"I know what love means." he finished hotly, crossing his arms.

Of course, understanding what it felt like was another matter entirely, but he knew what it meant.

James groaned inwardly, cursing himself yet again for...oh just for being idiotic like usual.

"I wasn't...I'm sorry. I just-...Forget it. I just meant...I wasn't sure if you understood what I mean by using that word. You just...never mind. I only meant..." He felt so stupid, who was he to say that Justin didn't know exactly what he felt, who was he to say that it was unnatural for Justin to be perfectly happy with it and to just as easily return the sentiment like it was obvious? Who was he to assume that Justin didn't know?

"I'm sorry," he repeated more quietly, glancing back down at the sidewalk as they walked. "I just meant...the feeling of...of sinking, of being so weighted down by passion for a person that sometimes you can't...you can't breathe. Of...of being terrified to do or say the wrong thing because it would kill you to see this person in any pain. Of not even being able to look at them sometimes because you can't control yourself around them and you're so god damn terrified that they don't love you back that you'd...you'd even beat yourself into denying it for months until it just bursts out and you feel so fucking stupid telling them after all that effort you put into...burying it."

Well now the words were coming. Somehow. He had to push on now, before the words went away and he was again reverted to the blundering idiot who couldn't voice his thoughts.

"But there's more...there's more to it than pain...It's-it's not just a burden, it's not just something weighing you down. It...it can give you wings, just seeing this person smile. And you'd do anything to see that smile again, because the flying feeling of seeing them happy, it's even more than the weight, you can forget the burden, you can lose yourself, just looking in their eyes. And there's warmth, and fire too, just...just when you touch. And you try to bury it because you don't want to hurt them but I fucked up Justin. I looked away because I didn't want to give away how much I...I...want you. S-seeing you like that today..." His voice caught in his throat, and his face was burning red. But he had to push on to the bitter end.

"I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control myself. It wasn't...your fault it's mine I'm just...Stupid I'm sorry and I shouldn't have said anything and everything coming out of my mouth is probably just making this worse and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't even say it enough. You deserve better Justin, I don't want to ruin this and I'm stupid and I'm sorry. I just...I wanted you to know that's how I...feel...about you."

His voice had dwindled to little more than a whisper, and he was still looking down, praying to whoever was out there that maybe Justin would see, because he didn't know if there was anything left in him to continue on saying these idiotic words that fell flat of anything he really felt.

Justin's crossed arms slipped to his sides sometime during James' speech and he frowned, perplexed.

Was James describing himself? Because, it honestly sounded a lot more like him. The weight of needing to please James and keep him happy, no matter the cost. Being terrified to do or say the wrong thing. Not looking at James. Feeling like the world could go destroy itself for all he cared when James smiled, the electricity of a touch.

The whole "burying" it thing though, that was stupid. Even Justin would admit, that was stupid. And had nothing to do with love. You could bury hatred or jealousy. It wasn't a characteristic of love, not at all.

But James didn't meet his eyes and was looking at the ground and once more, Justin felt frustration and annoyance with James because he underestimate Justin and belittled his torture with his implications. And now Justin knew he felt it too because James had described it for him.

"Well... me too." he said again, just as firmly.

James looked up this time, he could hear it in Justin's raised voice, could see it in the tension of the other. Justin was pissed. Couldn't hide it if he tried, which he wasn't.

So yeah. He'd been wrong. Idiotic to think Justin didn't understand, idiotic to think that it was necessary to...do this and say these words that didn't even really...he didn't know. They had just slipped out. He felt like he had crossed a boundary that wasn't supposed to be crossed, and he couldn't trust himself to open his mouth now.

The blond sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed them. They'd be crossing the street in a moment, at a crosswalk. He still remembered the first time they'd actually walked to school together. Felt like ages ago, but then it could have been yesterday.

Justin's frown deepened at James' now disconsolated expression, the way he continued to look anywhere but Justins' eyes, and would shuffle his feet, head bowed, a gesture Justin knew all too well.

And Justin was horrified at a part of him, deep inside, murmuring that James deserved it, this agony and shame. It wasnt a very loud voice, just this whisper in the back of his mind, and while completely foreign to him, so astoundingly familiar. He swallowed heavily and shoved the voice back, locking it away for hopefully a long time.

He may be somewhat irked... Well, no, he was actually very angry with the blond, but he didn't think the other boy deserved a punch to the face for only a few, simply misspoken words.

... Did he?

And the fact that Justin even asked himself that question horrified him.

"We should go home..." he said quietly, trying to get over the shock that he would even suggest such a thing, even in the sanctity of his own mind.mJames was a Real and he was not. That should answer all his questions.

James nodded, still not meeting Justin's eyes. Still not saying a word. Still mentally beating himself bloody for every word that had tumbled out of his mouth. Because his reasons for "burying" his intimate feelings for Justin had been perfectly logical.

He had wanted to avoid precisely this situation, and any number of other negative situations that could have played out just as easily. Looking back on everything he had said, James could see exactly why Justin was angry. Well there were a few theories, but he was pretty sure what really got under the brunet's skin was that James had basically called Justin stupid, saying he didn't know what love meant. Who was James to say what Justin did and didn't know, the kid had learned...Lord knew how many languages probably before the age of nine. The information had probably been beaten into him too. Seared into his mind.

The blond's eyes darted from one side of the road to the other as they prepared to cross the street. He gave another nod to the other, giving the all clear, and stepped forward into the street. It was the silence that would probably make him crack, a thick, impenetrable barrier between the two that weighed on James so heavily that it was hard to breathe, to think, to see straight.

He had to fix this, somehow. It would be cowardly not to try. Because if he didn't...Justin might not ever look at him the same way again, and he'd always put up that blank emotionless mask that separated him from everyone else, that he only took down for James. And of course, how had he not seen it? Justin didn't take down that wall for anyone else. That should have been the first indicator, but he hadn't even seen it, hadn't realized just how important it was that Justin let him in, what it really meant. Who would the brunet have to look to for reassurance, for support, for a guide? Who else would be able to tell him, and bit by bit, maybe convince him, that he was just as real as any other human being? The thought of Justin lost and alone in the world, ready to be snatched up by the first person willing to use him and exploit him for all he had, sickened and angered James, because it would be his own fault for Justin being alone in the first place.

So after what had felt like an eternity of silence, which really hadn't even reached four minutes, James cleared his dry throat and sent a weak prayer to whoever might be listening (which he still very much doubted) that his voice wouldn't crack.

"I'm sorry. I...wasn't trying to tell you that you didn't know what love means, I wasn't calling you stupid. Really. I wasn't. I was just...kind of shocked and awed that you'd give me such an easy response, that you felt the same.... I was just really afraid that after the hospital and everything...after what they did to you...that if I told you how I felt, you'd be disgusted or hurt or scared because you might think that I just wanted to...use you. And I'd never do that, I'd sooner die than hurt you more." He trailed off for a moment, then winced.

"But then that's stupid of me to say because I'm sure by now you know me well enough to know I'd never do that, so it probably was stupid of me to be so...afraid of telling you."

The words had come quietly, hesitantly, but had slowly picked up in conviction. Still, he was so afraid that something wrong had slipped out that it was a moment before he could bring himself to take his eyes off the ground.

And then he looked up, trying to convey with his eyes just how sorry he was, just how awful he felt about what he had said, how much he regretted it.

And Justin's perplexed frown persisted.

"... I will never understand you Reals." he stated bluntly.

And then, after a moments pause, Justin suddenly realized what he hadnsaidnand who he was talking to. With a horrified gasp, Justin smacked both his hands over his mouth to keep anything else from coming out (honestly, it probably looked pretty funny, eyes wide and face flustered). He would have apologized but he was pretty sure that by speaking his mind he had- oddly enough- done something right, and while that confused him, he knew that James would probably be somehow happy that Justin had spoken his mind.

And it wasn't entirely his fault. He really wouldn't ever understand Reals and their illogical thought processes that somehow passed as intelligence and the way thatbtheybwanted people to not be like the norm because, apparently, normalcy was wrong or something? He wasn't even sure, he didnt understand and it was stressful and really beginning to weight on him because doing what he had been taught wrong was right and how the hell could James think somlowmof himself?

Yes, Justin was angry and a bit more hurt than he'd like to let on, but nothing near enough to make James look like a beaten dog.

James stared at Justin for a moment, and slowly, slowly the panic and guilt faded from his eyes and he just shook his head, the faintest hint of a wry smile tugging at a corner of his lips.

"I don't think I will either," he muttered, closing his eyes and sighing as they finally approached the entrance to their gated neighborhood.

"I really don't know what I was thinking, I'm just...making everything five times more complicated than it should be." And then he muttered under his breath as they walked up to the box thing with the number pad where you had to enter the number code to get in. Stupid people changed the code every week for extra security measures.

James lifted the lid and pressed a few buttons, still muttering, praying that he remembered the right combination and that this wasn't last week's. He turned to face the gate. The gates stared back, unmoving and without sympathy.

He tried a second time, determined. And then a third. An electronic voice rang out through the speakers placed above the gates.

"More than five unsuccessful attempts at entering the gate may result in physical consequences. Please be sure you have the correct number code and proceed with caution."

Finally, James sighed and turned to Justin.

"Do you remember the code?"

"4759."