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 New Beginning

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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:37 pm

"Thanks," James muttered, entering the numbers. The gates opened soundlessly.

James found himself lapsing back into heavy silence as they walked past the long, winding paved driveways that seemed to stretch on endlessly to yet more gates surrounding elaborately built mansions. He didn't know what else to say. He'd said enough for a lifetime. Still couldn't stop berating himself for saying the wrong things, for making Justin angry. He had never seen Justin angry like this, not directed at him. Saint, yes. But still, that had-...well he'd been angrier at Rowan but he'd probably been pretty hurt by Camden too. Damn it...
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Jan 29, 2012 10:47 am

Justin bowed his head as he stepped into the garage, suddenly desperate to talk about something else, anything, because talk wasn't exactly necessary but he preferred talking to silence.

"What will we do with Alexis tonight?" he asked quietly, being sure not to startle James.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Jan 29, 2012 10:55 am

James turned, surprised and slightly relieved that Justin had spoken. He quickly looked away though, closing the garage door behind them as they entered the house and placed their shoes in the shoe rack.

"I ... guess we're going to have to start training her," James replied after a moment's hesitation.

"If we distract her enough maybe she'll...not be as difficult." [i]Maybe she'll be able to keep her hands off me[i].

James shrugged, continuing on through the hall in his socks. "I mean there probably isn't much more that we can do... I mean...if she keeps acting like she was last night then I guess we'll have to confront her about it." He wouldn't be looking forward to that.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:49 pm

"How will we do that?"

Justin asked this because he had an extensive list of things they could do to throw her off in this situation. From TV.

"Do we kiss? Or something?"

That had been in a TV show. Degrassi or something?
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:58 pm

James couldn't hold back a slight grin at the thought, despite his face flushing slightly. They began climbing the staircase. James distracted himself from not looking down with thoughts of how Rowan would react to that.

"The look on her face would be priceless."
And of course actually having an excuse to kiss Justin. That would be so, so much better. Like, holy hell, amazing.
"But I was thinking more telling her to stop being such a slut because we're not interested. Or slapping her. I dunno, something. But you know, if all else fails we could use that as a last resort."

Alright, given the circumstances he really shouldn't be amused at that thought, especially after so royally screwing up his confession and all...shit now he was feeling like a dick again. He looked down and tripped over the last glass step. James clutched at the railing to steady himself as the blond stepped onto the second floor, swallowing hard. What was it with him and looking down when he felt like an idiot? He really had to work on that, it'd save him a hell of a lot of pain...
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:26 pm

Justin didn't say anything about James' sudden "panic attack," only gave the blond the little nudge he needed to continue his trek up the flight of stairs. He kept talking to keep the other's mind off his fear.

"But I thought that we weren't allowed to hit girls? Wasn't that rule number one or something for boys? That they can't hit girls because girls are weak and can't fight back?"

At least, that's what he thought that was reasoning behind that rule. Honestly, he believed to to be a load of bull, because in the hospital, one of the girls had been an awful bully to him and pushed him down during rec time that was more like physical observation. Of course, the torture had only lasted a couple of days, because the girl had been quickly relocated after the incidents had been brought to light for the doctors, but still. She had actually been one of the first girls Justin had ever directly interacted with and couldn't quite get his own personal stereotype from his mind.

"I think we should ask Derek and Lilith. Things might be different there than there for that so we don't want to make any big mistakes..."
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:46 pm

James made it to the top of the stairs without further incidence, thankfully.

"Eh. She deserves it if she's acting like that. Verbal confrontation first, probably a bad idea to smack her right off the bat. The whole don't hit girls thing probably isn't as important in the Dream Realms."

He scratched at the back of his neck as they started walking down the hall to their room. (James had long ago stopped considering it just "his".)

"And I get the feeling that Lilith would be just as likely to hit her. Not Derek, but definitely Lilith. She has no patience with newbies unless their behavior really impresses her." Or if she pited them enough to go easy on them. But James didn't add that part, Justin probably wouldn't appreciate it.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:56 pm

Justin frowned.

"I still think she would react badly if we hit her... You Reals are very touchy, sometimes."
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:11 pm

James winced at Justin's use of the word "Reals". Again, with that word, that mentality. It was beginning to feel like he was fighting a losing battle. He turned to face Justin as he opened their bedroom door and held it open for the brunet.

"Again with the 'Reals'? I know it's been beaten into your head but I'm trying to...I'm no better than you, nobody is. You're no less of a human being. I don't know how better to get you to understand it than I've been trying to do but I guess...it's not working." He sighed and looked away, shaking his head.

"Anyway, we don't have to hit her...Just..." What was with him? Seriously. His brain was practically shutting down on him, like it had been emotionally overloaded and was done for the day. His head was still just reeling from Justin's transformation during lunch, never mind how he completely fucked up his lovely little "confession".

"I'm an idiot and I'm sorry," he muttered, rubbing his hands over his face as his mind yelled at him for bringing an entirely different topic into the conversation that would doubtlessly make things even worse by confusing Justin or making him all angry again or...or who the hell knew anymore. Things only seemed to go from bad to worse with him these days.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:15 pm

Justin was quite for a moment.

"... It's hard to change something I've been doing since I was born, James."

That's all he could really say, because it was hard. It was like asking a child born during WWII not to hate the Germans with a passion. He was past the stage in his life where it could really be changed, he would probably never stop saying it because it was all he had known since day one.

And not even James could change that.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:58 pm

James nodded mutely, shutting the door behind them and sinking to the floor without even making an attempt at getting to his bed.
"I know, I know. It's stupid of me to keep trying, I'm not trying to change you." But that was what he was trying to do, wasn't it? Trying to normalize him, make him like any other person, strip away the ideals that he had grown up with. This was just making his head hurt. James closed his eyes.
It wasn't supposed to go like this. Justin wasn't supposed to see him fall apart like this. he was supposed to be the strong one.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:01 pm

Justin looked down at James sadly, pretty much at a loss of what to do, but willing to try anything at this point. James seemed relaxed when Justin was with him, so maybe...

Justin slid to the ground, right beside James, and knelt against the other boy, resting his head on the blond's shoulder and closing his eyes to give of the air of being at ease. He let every limb go lax and became limp against the blond, hoping to convey that he trusted James no matter what, simply with his body language.

"It's okay. Reals don't like what they can't comprehend and that's one of the things I idolize about them."

He wasn't sure why he said that, was pretty sure that James would take offense to it, but Justin felt like it needed to be said.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:17 pm

James was completely thrown off by Justin's words, but no way was he going to complain when Justin was leaning against him like that, completely exposing himself like that. He let out a shakey breath and nodded, letting himself relax a little too. How could he stay in a bad mood with Justin so close, how dare he be angry with anyone, even himself, with Justin's body heat mingling with his own, with Justin's head on his shoulder and strands of Justin's hair tickling his neck?

James nuzzled the top of Justin's head gently with his nose, breath slowly evening out. How on earth had he deserved the trust of this beautiful boy who had been so utterly and compeltely beaten down by the world? It wasn't fair that Justin was stuck with him, he didn't deserve the turmoil of having to deal with James' stupidity.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:20 pm

Justin frowned, felt the sigh, and the change in mood. Dumb James, always thinking down on himself. He thought that Justin didn't know but Justin could practically read a Real's emotions and mind because he had to or he'd do the wrong thing. Stupid James, belittling his torture again by thinking that Justin didn't know better. Idiotic James, assuming that it was all his fault.

"It's not your fault." he grumbled, tensing again because now he was, what was it called? Angry? That fit. "It isn't and you're dumb if you think it is."
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:26 pm

Fuck.
There were no other words. None. That was all his mind was reduced to.
He shut his eyes again and his shoulders slumped.
"You're too good at reading minds," James finally said with a dull sort of laugh.
"But okay, I get it. I'll try to...stop thinking like that. I'll work on it. Really. It's idiotic of me, I know. I just...start thinking like that and then I can't seem to stop. I'm sorry..."
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:28 pm

"And now you're apologizing." Confident Justin had really screwed up Normal Justin's grasp on emotions and right and wrong.

"Stop being stupid." was all he said before he leaned up and absentmindedly kissed James.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:43 pm

James froze, heart melting and world exploding all at once. Holy. Shit. What. he couldn't even respond, couldn't pull away, couldn't lean in to the kiss, couldn't process it. And then it was over, quick as anything. James gaped at Justin, completely awestruck for a full three seconds.

And then his mind caught up with the rest of him and James leaned in to kiss Justin back.

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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:46 pm

Justin smiled when their lips touched again, and suddenly the anger was gone and replaced with this weird, sort of heaviness in his heart. Happiness? No, not enough. He felt more overwhelmed... Unable to fully cope with this, but so happy that it was even happening at all.

He acted without thinking, instinct that not even the hospital could erase overtaking his mind and he reached up and slung an arm around James' neck to pull him deeper into the sweet kiss that was really nothing more than an innocent touch of the lips.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Sun Mar 04, 2012 11:00 pm

James shivered at the touch, letting his mouth slide open a little as Justin deepened the kiss. He moaned softly, his own hand coming up to tangle in Justin's hair. His mind was reeling again, senses spiking all over the place at the heat of the kiss and the ache of wanting more. This was so perfect, he had never dared to imagine that it would be like this, that their lips would slide together so perfectly, that it would melt him and burn him inside out.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:34 pm

Justin smiled, somewhat mystified by the noises escaping the blond, before he suddenly realized what he was doing.

And then he was horrified.

He pulled away with a yelp that would have quickly escalated into a scream if he hadn't smack his hands over his mouth to keep quite. His eyes were wide with shock and pain, beyond dismayed at what he had just done.

Who the hell did he think he was?! What was wrong with him, had all those years of training and torture really been for nothing?! Shit, he should know better, he should know so much better, and James didn't understand, he would've gone along with it because he wanted Justin happy, but Justin knew better and he shouldn't have manipulated James like that!

Justin moved away, desperate to put some distance between them before this went even further into Hell than it already was. His hand was now stifling empty sobs, his eyes welling with tears, and he couldn't see how this could possibly get any worse.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Tue Mar 06, 2012 8:33 pm

James stared at the other, eyes widening in concern.

"J-Justin, what's wrong?! Did I do someth-" Right. Like Justin would ever think it was James in the wrong unless he was blaming himself for something and being self loathing.

"I-It's okay Justin. I want this too. You're not forcing me into anything, you're not-you're not doing anything wrong."

He slowly reached a hand out, not sure if Justin would recoil from his touch and afraid to risk it. James swallowed hard, waiting for something, anything from Justin that might clue him in on how he could fix this.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:15 pm

But Justin did flinch away, suddenly outraged with his actions

"How could I touch you?!" He shrieked, though mostly to himself.

"I'm beneath you, the fucking scum of the earth, god dammit, I should know better!" His hands left his mouth to tear at his hair, so distraught over his stupidity that he needed to punish himself. "I'm disgusting, I can't believe I did that to you, can't believe I tricked you like that!" he sobbed, looking away, unable to meet James' eyes, to see the pain that he knew would be there.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:46 pm

"You didn't trick me!" James returned, temper flaring a little. It was hypocritical of Justin to get so angry at him for being selth deprecating when Justin had been raised to think this way about himself. And it hurt, realizing that Justin probably thought he was deluding James into feeling this way. It hurt, more than words could ever explain.

"I see you for who you are and I love you for that! It has nothing to do with how how much you turn me on or how you kissed me first or how you're here with me every day, it's because you're you and I don't know how to put it into words because everything I say just comes out wrong!" He forced himself to look away, to relax his fists, to breathe slowly and evenly. He didn't want to scare Justin, to hurt him, to make things worse. But it seemed inevitable. He couldn't even apologize for starting this whole mess, Justin'd just get angry right back.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:36 pm

But Justin didn't get angry, only bowed his heads at the words and nodded numbly along to the things the blond said. Great.

He'd manipulated James so far into thinking he could actually love this piece of shit. The high he had ridden before was gone, and it was obviously brought on by the whore that he could turn into. The self confidence was like a drug, and one that he should never take lightly again.

He had changed James, distorted his perception of right and wrong. How could he have not seen this before? How couldn't have anyone seen it? They hadn't been watching him closely enough, Justin needed to be under constant and crucial surveillance so that he didn't hurt anyone. It was mostly his fault, yes, but they were the ones that had taken him from the Institute in the first place! The only place that could watch him and keep him under control!

Fuck, what was he even doing here?! He needed to go back, to sign back in, to tell the Director that he'd made a big mistake and that Justin would never be fit for life outside the Institute. He needed to go back and fix everything...

"I... I'm going downstairs." he said quietly, still not looking up. "Sorry."

And with that, he quietly left the room.
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PostSubject: Re: New Beginning   Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:02 pm

James stared numbly at the door as it shut with a soft click. It took a moment for it to hit him. Just how utterly and completely fucked up all this was.

The blond slumped and he let his face fall in his hands for a moment, pushing down the pain.

Then he stood and eased open the door, because he couldn't just sit there and cry like a baby, he had to try. He just had to find Justin first.
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